This was all purely done for the fun of it.
What happened was, you see, I started writing a tag line at the top of diary entries. Sometimes it was relevent to the entry in question, but generally it was just some bizarre bit of wordplay that my brain tends to come up with every now and then. Initially I didn't expect to carry it on for very long, but I now find I've got rather a lot of them . . .
These are in no particular order, and are not entirely complete (the extraction of these from the diary archive was rather crude, and multi-line ones didn't make it. I may fix this if I can be bothered).
Feel free to use these in your email program, or do whatever you want with them . . .
Anyway. I don't recommended reading all these in one sitting. Your brain will melt, I guarantee it or your money back.
absolute (n): small medieval stringed instrument.
A series of thefts of ladders have been taking place. Police say that they are taking steps.
Road chaos was caused this morning when a large hole opened up in the centre of town. Police are looking into it.
"The grass needs cutting again", he moaned.
"There are too many dogs about", he muttered.
Never say "never say never".
"bubbles are so exciting", he effervesced.
I aspire to perfectionism.
I knew I was going to have a premonition today . . .
"Do I have to iron this?", he asked, starchly.
This blank left space.
Instant Credit - just add water.
The end of the world is "d".
Absent minded people of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but, er, no, don't tell me, I'll get it, it's on the tip of my tongue . . .
contradiction (n): No it isn't.
Are you unique? If so, join the club, only £5 membership fee.
Don't be different. Everyone's doing it.
Provisional (n): Possibly being in favour of optical sensing.
telegram (n): Unit of measure, used for describing the weight of TV sets.
supervisor (n): A very good eye shield.
subterfuge (n): An underground centrifuge.
Do subjectivity your own way.
Is there too much athletic competition around? Discus.
0 + 0 = 1 for large values of 0.
"I could crush a grape", he whined.
"I am not a whale", he blubbered.
"Do you have any machetes?", he axed.
The forces of chaos must unite against orderliness.
spiral stare (n): a very bad squint.
It's got a spike on the end, but that isn't the point.
Semi-random organised chaos.
"It's a nice hotel, but I have my reservations."
Why is simplification a longer word than complexity?
If someone bores you senseless, how can you tell?
dis int e gra t i on
Impossible inventions No 47: The shiny mat.
Parachute for sale. No strings attached.
If it could, what would an onion relish?
Confused? Don't be so sure.
War has broken out again in the fungus community. Spectators have put it down to a clash of cultures.
Today is the last day of the middle of the end of the beginning. It is also the first.
It's been a hard, dazed, knight.
Failed inventions, No 523: The inedible marker pen.
I am a subconscientious objector.
We really should discuss this non-negotiability you keep going on about.
anagram isn't an anagram of anything.
Press CTRL ALT PARADIGM SHIFT to login.
This is a prime opportunity to be divisive.
<igor>Rethithtanth ith utheleth.</igor>
Jet Lag (n): Material for keeping a stream of liquid or gas insulated from external temperature effects.
Never underestimate the degree to which something may have been exaggerated.
Yes, you too could have your own personal PIN number!
Everything needs to be done last.
The theory needs more practice.
For sale - one puppet. No strings detached.
One word: plural.
Normally, this would be very strange.
The odds are against it, but the normals are in favour.
"What's under the roof?", he asked, loftily.
"Pass me that needle", he said, pointedly.
"I like basketweaving", he said craftily.
"I can't stand chemistry", he retorted.
"It's emitting gases again", he fumed.
"Are there any seats left", he asked, stand-offishly.
"Pass me the apple juice", he schloered.
"I've been sacked", he said, redundantly.
Fertilizer. A real growth industry.
Why is zero a bigger word than one?
Did the person who invented copyright make any money at it?
"Pass me the keystone", he said, archly.
"That's slander!", he slurred.
"We need more government", he stated.
"I agree, it is a horse chestnut", he concurred.
"I used to have a stake in that", he exclaimed.
"It seems quite solid", he affirmed.
Cool your chocolate using confection currents.
Are you pro-nounce or anti-nounce?
I do hope I'm not starting to repeat myself myself.
Begin in the middle, not the end.
decay (v): The process of removing cay from something.
Bishops and shepherds - what a load of crooks.
What happens when a pregnant pause gives birth?
That that is not is not that that is.
Don't fritter your bananas away.
Does everything include nothing?
How do you spell forwards backwards?
Silly addresses: No 47 Nothru Road.
Spelling is four wimps.
The Written Word, by Richard Shonnery - now available in audio format.
Using microwave technology, you can have your cake and heat it.
fractures aren't all they're cracked up to be.
Ramparts (n): Portions of a castle which can be used for storing information.
Alas poor Yorick, he never did have any money.
Washingtonite (n): valuable mineral that does your laundry for you.
I come in pieces - here are my assembly instructions.
Unanswered questions are better than unquestioned answers.
Help stamp out postage.
Typography design is character building.
Saw a big blue van on the way into work today. So I stopped to cheer it up.
I'll have that nit please. Or should it be this one?
Leave your bucket - go beyond the pail.
I've just invented the digital hand . . .
language (n): A method of measuring a local area network that doesn't quite work.
It has to be completely sharp. That's the whole point.
Open one of our new accounts - Instant access (just add boiling water).
Normal service has now been resum
Do washday blues leak if you put them on at the wrong temperature?
Exercise (n): Type of notebook used in school.
anecdote (n): substance that counteracts a poison.
Exposition (n): The previous location.
Excitation (n): Having brought forward as proof; a reference.
antidote (n): A short amusing account of an incident.
light switch (n): A switch that doesn't weigh very much.
Give drugs to comedians - we must leave no turn unstoned.
If it's possible to be barred from a pub, is it also possible to be pubbed from a bar?
This space left blank for your own message.
reincarnation (n): The act of putting condensed milk back into the tin.
Anyone know when the release version of beta-carotene will be available?
'a piece of string' is 17 characters long
If, the first time you read it, it didn't make sense, then the second time it probably won't either.
This is not the funny side. Please turn over.
That which is is not that which is not.
Questions have a lot to answer for.
Now is the winter of our disk on tent.
<embed type="humour" style="verbal witticism" nosmut noswear repelborders>
This has nothing to do with the price of fish.
Price of fish has decreased 5% due to economies of scale.
Ideas Ideas Ideas
If two people are presenting a course jointly, does that make them a pair of trainers?
.tnof backwards laiceps ym gnisu nettirw si sihT
Is that a dagger I see before me, or are you just pleased to see me?
We interrupt this programme to bring you news that we are returning to our regular schedule.
This is above that which is below.
A man in Gloucester has been arrested after breaking into houses and installing moving stairways into them. He was quoted as saying 'I installed one in my own home, and then it just escalated'.
Definition (n): See recursion.
w r crrntly sffrng frm vwl shrtg. Pls gv gnrsly.
Apparently the hour has changed, but I just timed it, and it is exactly the same.
One primeval rock to another;
Futile exercise aids mental fitness.
Pikeman (n): Medieval soldier so named for his dextrous use of fish in battle.
This is not a contradictory sentence.
Surely this is not a rhetorical question?
You shouldn't be so negative. It's very bad for you.
Failed inventions No47: The waterproof teabag.
Failed inventions No53: The non-stick insect.
Mike's law of conversational deterioration: It is always possible to lower the tone.
Parker Pens, regretting having dropped a quantity of coloured fluid on a city with a famous canal system: 'We apologise for the ink on Venice.'
'Cone!', I screamed.
Hey, you looking for a tree, fella?
Aspiration (n): How a snake breathes.
Nit Picking vs Pedantry. What are the real differences? Debate at 11.
Do you know of any shop where you can actually buy a fine toothcomb?
Following an accident, a patient has been admitted to hospital, and has been laughing, joking, and playing practical jokes on the nurses. Doctors say his condition is not serious.
1st bee: hey chaps, get some of this stuff. It's absolute nectar . . .
1st detective - So, there's no one about, and all the floors are covered with sand.
2nd detective - I think we can say that this building is deserted.
The mower is mightier than the sward.
Is a line of hospital porters an orderly queue?
Things to do today: Update ToDo list.
Things to do today: Update the Do Not Do list.
All rules have exceptions which prove them. Except this one.
<table type="occasional">various magazines</table>
Is that a snail, or a hermit slug?
It is unlucky to understand a ladder.